I turn 50 this year which means only one thing: my health is set to nosedive. Statistics show that, as my arteries narrow, I’ll be at greater risk of a stroke or heart disease. My metabolism will slow down, causing my weight to balloon. My joints will stiffen; my muscles will weaken. My memory will become foggier, my bones chalkier. I’ll struggle to muster a half-decent erection; I’ll lie awake at night with insomnia and my mental health will deteriorate. My eyesight will get worse, my hearing will muffle. It’s all starting to sound a bit much.
As a card-carrying member of Gen X, I’m a long-term advocate of the cod-stoical tradition of burying your head in the sand and avoiding the doctor’s waiting room like the plague. But now I’m approaching 50, things feel different. So I’ve decided to face up to some home truths and do something about it. I spent my twenties and thirties (and in the spirit of full disclosure, some of my forties) living it up like it was the last days of Rome, chucking back booze, fags, you name it.
Might it be time to pay the toll on such revelry? I booked myself in for a full health MOT to find out. What ungodly truths would it reveal? Would it all end with me having to resort to a monastic lifestyle for the rest of my years?
I opted to go private, not because the NHS is inadequate, but because I wanted comprehensive baseline data before I hit my half-century. Think of it as a reconnaissance mission; a way of getting all the information in one go before embarking on an anticipated slew of incremental changes.
Of course, there’s a counter-argument that more tests don’t necessarily mean better health, and that my specific brand of low-grade anxiety is exactly what the private screening industry thrives on. But anxiety, like curiosity, occasionally has a way of loosening the purse strings.
So I booked in with Bluecrest, choosing a package of tests that wouldn’t be beyond the realms of the NHS, but would probably take forever. I went for the “Active” package, which costs around £400.
“Think of this as preventative maintenance rather than crisis management,” says Dr Martin Thornton, Bluecrest’s chief medical officer. “You’re investing in your future self, in the quality of your later years. That’s not vanity or health anxiety, it’s sensible planning.”
I was booked in for roughly an hour of tests, not in a surgery but in the function room of a carpeted hotel with well-cushioned chairs in the lobby. Over the course of an hour, I was assessed for my risk of a stroke/heart disease, the function of each vital organ, cholesterol, blood pressure, fitness, mental health, the rhythm of my heart and my BMI.
“Very good, keep doing it to the beat,” said my nurse for the morning as I performed step aerobics with medical apparatus attached to my finger to see how my heart would handle the exertion. As it happens, it does so with something close to aplomb: my “heart rate recovery” – without wanting to sound braggy – is exemplary.
A week later, I received a detailed report, colour-coded from green (all good) through amber to red (seriously need to address this). The sheer volume of data is both faintly daunting – but also reassuring.
All of my vital organs are performing as they should be, which comes as a relief, and my BMI proves what I’ve always suspected: that I’m an adonis. OK, that might be overstating it, but I’m at the high end of what’s considered the sweet spot.
Unfortunately, it’s not all green lights and high fives. I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. My blood pressure wasn’t quite through the roof, but not far off it. There were clear signs of hypertension. Enough to warrant forking out on an inexpensive machine you can use at home, apparently. Just to keep a closer eye on it.
“Blood pressure is one of those things that can fluctuate quite a lot during the day depending on what you’re doing,” Dr Martin reassures me. “So, change your circumstances.
“Take your blood pressure for 14 days in a row and if it’s still high, talk to your GP about next steps.”
These next steps will either require medicine – most likely in the form of a daily pill to keep my blood pressure healthy – or a change of lifestyle: less salt, less booze, better sleep, less stress (and possibly less fun).
Though my blood pressure was high, I wasn’t experiencing any other symptoms (headaches, dizziness, vomiting), so the plan is to see about bringing it down naturally, making some lifestyle tweaks.
Likewise with my cholesterol. Because, although any fears about my slowing metabolism were misplaced (my metabolic age clocked in at 35!), the real issue isn’t my body’s engine but what I’ve been putting in the tank.
“Diet is obviously a big factor when it comes to cholesterol,” Dr Martin suggests, as I make a mental inventory of the number of pints and amount of ultra-processed food passing my lips on a weekly basis. “Particularly high sugar intake, refined carbohydrates, and alcohol.”
Like blood pressure, this is another “invisible threat”; something I wouldn’t have noticed without being tested, although a cursory glance at my weekly menu would probably offer some clues.
Of course, cholesterol and blood pressure can be checked for free. But, however you are being checked, the evidence as to whether blanket health MOTs (or any health checks for that matter) actually improve long-term outcomes can be rather less assured.
“People say that if they know they are high risk, they’ll be better at changing their lifestyle, but that’s not always true,” says Dr Alex Burns, a GP. “Evidence-based medicine shows us time and again that telling people they’re high risk doesn’t seem to be more effective than not knowing.”
“My advice is to listen to your body,” he continues. “The human body is really good at telling you when there’s a problem, so go and see your GP when you have symptoms. Our job is to talk to patients, listen to their story, then see if we need to refine our clinical reasoning with tests. We don’t start with the tests first.”
He also points out that the stuff you do outside a doctor’s surgery massively outweighs what any doctor can do for you. “Exercise more, eat more vegetables and grains, be nice to people, don’t be lonely,” he says. “These are far more important factors for a long and healthy life than any test will ever be.”
The message from my MOT report is loud and clear: not bad but could do better. Even though, thankfully, most of it is reassuringly green, with just a couple of reds.
Much of it paints a picture of what I already knew. But sometimes hearing the obvious from a stranger with the right qualifications carries more weight than hearing it from your own conscience. So now I’m going to tweak my diet and upgrade my lifestyle to do everything I can to ensure midlife becomes a languid steamboat journey towards the setting sun, rather than a swift nosedive into oblivion.
Wish me luck.
