DEAR ERIC: My son is getting engaged to a wonderful woman. They are in their late 20s. My husband and I are retired and have a limited yet comfortable income.
The bride is the oldest of two children and first to marry. Her parents are younger and wealthy. Her mother has told them that the wedding must be a large and lavish affair she has been planning for years with more than 120 of their guests.
My husband and I have told the couple that we will give them a sum of money for the wedding needs – what we can afford – and will make no demands or get in their way to do whatever they want. They are relieved.
We are unsure how this will go over with her family as they may want us to fork out all the expenses for a lavish groom’s dinner, full open bar, etc., they plan or want. I cannot count on the bride to stand up for us as her mom is so manipulative.
Our only dilemma is how much money is a normal sum to give the couple if they were a normal, average couple, not considering her wealthy situation. I am not planning to mortgage our home or hand over five figures for this.
– Wedding Gift Dilemma
DEAR DILEMMA: As with rings (which some traditions dictate the groom’s family pays for), there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. And that’s the good news. Give only what is financially reasonable for you, knowing that your relationship with the couple is what’s important here. Not the wishes, hopes, and elaborate plans of the bride’s family.
Tradition often suggests that the groom’s family plans the rehearsal dinner, but that also means it’s yours to plan if you choose. So, you don’t have to have a lavish affair if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to plan it, that’s fine, too. Many families will write a check and leave it up to the couple to apply it to their budget.
I think the latter is the way you should go. The couple’s struggles with the bride’s family are their responsibility and they will have to learn how to navigate it. Give what you want and then step back. Tradition frowns upon the mother of the bride shaking you down for more cash like an old-timey casino bookie.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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